Lowly Number Four

No (Wo)man's Land

Here I sit in the midst of Round Four's low period.  And I've found that the mental aspect of this experience has come to the top of my mind.  I feel like I'm in a "no (wo)man's land" in terms of where I am in my treatment.  I'm far enough along that it feels like I should be almost done and yet I have so far still to go that my doctor isn't comfortable yet discussing what the end of the process looks like.  I find comfort in being more than halfway through and yet I am so cognizant of the toll this is taking on my mind and my body and on how much more toll is left to come.  

Scott and I were talking about this and he brought up his marathon experience (apparently he didn't read my very first blog post but because he's been such a good nurse, I'll let it slide).  Round Four is the equivalent of mile 18.  The point at which your mind knows you can do what's left but your body really doesn't agree.  And the mental challenge lies in the difference between a leisurely 8-mile run (I don't even know what these words mean but Scott insists there is such a thing) on a Saturday morning after a good night's rest and a painful 8-mile slog (now that's more like it) after you've already done that slog more than twice without stopping to recover.  For me it lies in the difference between my first two rounds, which have been complete since way back in early December and in which my body was bouncing back well and the last two rounds that are off ahead in the distance and for which I'll be at my weakest-ever physical capacity.

Only one option, I suppose: keep going.

A Very Long Tunnel

Irrespective of the above, I have been, over this last week, allowing myself to catch glimpses of the light at the end of the tunnel (it's just a very long tunnel at this point).  My side effects have become routine and predictable and monotonous and depressing so no use focusing on them.  I am starting to think now about transitioning back into good health and about adopting new happiness-focused lifestyle choices.  And though I'm not letting myself get too far down the road, I have started a variety of lists (I love lists!) - one for things I'd like to do around the house; one for lifestyle/hobbies; one for bucket/travel list destinations; and one for ways to spend the spring intentionally getting back into good physical and emotional shape.  As the end of treatment gets closer I'll develop and share more.

Lessons from the Present

I'm also appreciating my present - being mindful of my New Year's new lease on life - and even in the midst of a low period, there is much that amuses me.  Two things that I've been focused on in this phase are my hair and my cat (I don't get out much).  As for my hair, it never continued to fall out any more than it did after the first round, which seems odd to me.  I guess some follicles are stronger than others!  Even more odd is that the hair that didn't fall out has continued to grow.  Not in a "hey, I should go out in public" sort of way - the bald areas are still bald - but let's just say there could be hope for a comb-over in my future.  As for the cat, she now knows the word Hickman   Every day we've lured her into a room for sequestering when it's time to do the flushes/upkeep on my catheter lines and now when Scott says "ready to do your Hickman?", Grace jumps up from wherever she is and runs into the back room and jumps up onto the window seat to await her treat.  She gets way more excited than I do, clearly.  So in cat language Hickman appears to mean "my captors are finally giving me something to eat".

That's all from the low country...I'll catch ya on the flip side.