The Final Chapter

As I write my last cancer blog post, a recurring refrain is in my head...

Louie, You Ignorant Slut.

(I've been wanting to say that for a while now.)  

I had my final meeting with my oncology doctor yesterday and she said the R-word.  I am in remission!  I am 4 weeks post-chemo, Louie is dead, and I've started to see significant improvements.  In a few weeks my anemia should be gone (no, I'm not going to start training for a marathon) and I may even start to see some peach fuzz on my head.  I also have my voice back.  Mostly.  It's still a little croaky sometimes but my doctor believes that will pass with time...or I will just decide that it sounds sexy and you will go with that and tell me how pretty I sound. 

In case you're keeping track of my PET scan results (or feeling hungry), Louie has shriveled over time from a blob-shaped grapefruit in early November to a shallot in late December to an invisible cranberry in late January and now to more like a small (still invisible) blueberry.  The lingering collection of dead cells and scar tissue formerly known as Louie is just over a centimeter in size and is now harmless. 

Oh also, I've been de-Borged.  The procedure was a little more involved than I expected and involved quite a bit of yanking and cutting away of scar tissue underneath my skin.  Basically it hurt like a sonuvah... but was entirely worth it.  And the open wound I currently have on my chest may someday be a scar that gets incorporated into a tattoo.  I've heard tattoos hurt like a sonuvah... but I think I have a higher tolerance for discomfort these days.  Speaking of...

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

This sentiment has made its way into my thinking over these last five months (and into my mojo playlist via Kelly Clarkson).  In pondering whether I agree with this sentiment, in contrast with, for example, "what doesn't kill you makes you tired", which seems absolutely true, I decided to go digging into Nietzsche and we had a little conversation.

Nietzsche:  "From life's school of war: what does not kill me makes me stronger."
Me (muttering under my breath):  Great, thanks Louie.

Nietzsche:  "He (She) who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
Me:  Tru dat.

Nietzsche:  "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he (she) does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."
Me:  I think this is the challenge that's left in the wake of this experience.  As I go through my healthy days I must not be distracted by the memory of the abyss' gaze now that I've glimpsed it.

In the end I do think I'm stronger, or at least more resilient, for the experience.  A word to the wise though - there are probably much easier ways to practice resiliency.

Thank You, One And All

You'll remember that cancer for me was a journey story, with ups and downs and laughs and tears.  We didn't know exactly what was going to happen along the way but we knew (or told ourselves) that it was all going to be okay in the end.  And here we are at the end - cue the celebratory feast scene.  

But I didn't win this fight with Louie alone and I can't end this blog without a thank you to my village people: for reading this blog; for supporting me unconditionally; for sending texts and emails and cards and flowers and food and love; and for generally pulling me through.

As threatened, I basically kicked the shit out of Louie with that 10-pound can of chemo that I opened up.  He is a small pile of dead cells and I am still here.  (He really should have picked on someone his own size.)  

My chance of recurrence is low and I am feeling stronger every day so the next time you have a glass of wine, toast to Louie's demise.  I will be joining you in that wine drinking soon.