Happy New Year (We Need It!)

Girl, Bye!

Sayonara, 2017.  And don't let the door hit ya on the way out.  

I imagine many of us have spent the last few days doing the usual retrospection that comes along with the end of a year, categorizing key moments.  For me, a recurring theme slips into these ruminations and I can't help but wonder how long Louie has been here, weaseling his way into my chest.  My doctor said it would have been several months and I feel like I can trace a general feeling of "not right" to April or May so I've decided to give Louie a birthday of late April.  The not-rightness was nothing I gave much thought to in the moment.  I breathed heavier walking up the hill from my car to my building on campus and so I assumed I was out of shape and needed to exercise more.  I felt anxious without reason and so I assumed that I needed to get back to meditating.  In retrospect, I was probably feeling the effects of reduced lung capacity and I think my body was sounding an alarm - apparently my body is smarter than it looks!  Interestingly, in talking with Scott about this pre-diagnosis period, he pointed out two other changes that didn't seem like anything in the moment.  The smell of my breath changed - not something I noticed and not something he mentioned and now it's back to normal.  And the cat stopped sitting on my lap, perhaps responding to that change in smell?  She's also fickle but now that Louie's a shadow of his former self she's back to sitting on my lap with a vengeance - needs to make up for lost time I guess.

Knowing there was a parasite living inside of me in 2017 really colors the year!  There were some positives of course - it was the year of our 25th wedding anniversary - but all in all I have nothing nice to say about 2017.  Girl, bye.

Bring On 2018

In addition to wishing for no parasites this year, I have a few hopes for a cancer-induced change in approach.  I am not generally one to make New Year's resolutions but I do feel hopeful that living with cancer will serve as a naturally occurring kick-in-the-pants reminder to enjoy the many, many moments that my pre-cancer self may have let slip by.  I've always been such a planner (i.e., control freak) that I have easily slipped into being more focused on the future than on the present.  And when I write, or think about writing, I easily slip into being more focused on the past.  Somehow the present has typically landed in a respectable 3rd place for me.  But for 2018 and beyond I'm hoping it will spend more time in 1st.

I also have Achiever tendencies (shout out to the StrengthsQuest fans out there) and the speed of those tendencies is faster, faster.  Louie brought my 2017 to a screeching halt.  But perhaps his memory can serve as my reminder to slow down in 2018...just gently and calmly this time and of my own accord...and to capitalize on that slower speed to go with the flow.  Or at least recognize that there is a flow.  Or at least not try to control the flow.  Baby steps.

And while enjoying the flow of the present, I'd like to start drinking wine again.  (Always good to give yourself at least one resolution that will be easy to achieve.)

How Low Can You Go?

In other news, my low period is here.  And thus far (quick, knock on something hard and made from a tree) I appear to be a little better off than previous low periods.  There's no explaining it.  Particularly related to my mouth pain/sores, we've been trying multiple different preventative measures - not eating yogurt, doing baking soda rinses after every meal - and maybe we found a better balance this time because I've had less discomfort thus far.  

I'll be crossing my fingers and toes for the next few days with the hope that this trend continues until my white blood cell count comes back up.  And I'll be back to blog again once I uncross my digits.

Happy New Year, Village!